Say Anything
by sendricamp
Summary: "Hurts the same when nobody knows.. guess that's just how it goes.. and I won't say anything at all." becaxchloe.
1. Intro

The basis for this story came from the song Say Anything by Marianas Trench. I don't really own anything.. I just hope you enjoy reading it. 


	2. I never took you for a trip but

Beca knew her mind was a scary place. But it was her place. Her own little secret, selfish world. It was where she could lock herself away and break down. Everyone knew not to mess with her. Everyone except Chloe. Five minutes after storming out of a Bellas rehearsal, in which the visiting Chloe had been sitting in on, the redhead was busting through the door to the dorm room, her arms immediately wrapping around the brunette. Beca had long since learned to not push her away, because that was a battle that she just was not going to win. Instead, they fell to the floor, the tears now flowing freely from Beca's eyes, streaming down her face and soaking into Chloe's shirt. "Shhh," the redhead whispered, holding her girlfriend even tighter.

"I don't know what is wrong with me," Beca choked out, pulling back slightly. "This isn't me. This miserable, crying mess. It just isn't me."

Chloe gently pushed the hair back from her girlfriends face, a sad smile on her face. "You can't expect yourself to be strong. There is nothing wrong with breaking down," she replied, not breaking eye contact. "And despite what you may think, it is you. It just happens to be a side of you that isn't seen much, because you keep it down.. which I wish you wouldn't do."

Beca choked out a laugh before pulling away completely, leaning her back against the bed. "Do you want to know the worst part about this whole, stupid, fucking, depressing thing?" she asked, wiping her eyes. Chloe didn't respond. "It just keeps getting worse. I don't know what the hell keeps triggering it, but the overwhelming urge to lock myself away just keeps getting stronger. This isn't the first time I have had to leave rehearsals."

The redhead put a hand on her girlfriends knee, gently biting on her lower lip, carefully thinking about what to say next.

"I mean, what kind of leader does that make me? I can't even make it through one rehearsal without having to leave, cry my eyes out, then come back and pretend like nothing happened. I know the girls talk about it, because I can see the worry in their eyes, but none of them say anything."

"Do you want them to say anything?"

Beca remained silent for a moment, then shook her head. "No, because I have no idea what on earth I would tell them. I don't even know what to tell myself half of the time." She stood up and walked out of the room, shaking her head as she heard Chloe coming after her. "Just because you are going to follow me around right now does not mean that I am going to talk to you," she called over her shoulder, heading out of the building into the fading light. "It isn't like this is even your problem to try and deal with!"

Chloe finally caught up with her, grabbing her arm to spin the shorter woman to face her. "Beca, I love you, and that makes it something I want to deal with.. something that I want to understand! You push people away, I get that, but I want you to stop pushing me away.. because all I want to do is care about you."

The brunette pulled her arm from her girlfriends grip. "Why does everyone seem so hellbent on caring about me?"

"Because we care about you," Chloe said, taking a step towards Beca and sighing when the woman stepped back. "Beca, please don't do this." She couldn't hold back her tears anymore.

"Don't do what?" she snapped.

"Don't push me away. Don't make me leave you alone."

"Don't make you? Don't make you?! The only way I could ever make you leave me alone is if you had some thought about doing that already!" She stopped. "You are pushing me on this because you want that reason, aren't you? You want that reason to leave so the guilt doesn't eat you alive."

Chloe shook her head. "No! I don't want to leave you alone.. I want to take you back inside and calm you down and let you open up to me. I just want to listen to you, and I want you to know that you can talk to me. But, for fucks sake, Beca, I cannot fight you on this forever. Even I have my limits."

"So you are just going to give up on me, is that it? Just like my dad did to my mom! You are just going to.. give up!" she yelled, falling to her knees on the grass. Chloe knelt down, pleacing a hand on Beca's shoulder, sighing when the brunette shrugged her off. "Why don't you just go back to your fancy fucking life in California?"

Chloe stood up, keeping her eyes on Beca. "Why don't you stop contradicting yourself? You tell me that you don't want me to leave you alone, but then you tell me to leave. Is it really that hard for you to believe that someone could care about you so much?" She sighed. "You know what? Fine. I will go home, but I am not going to leave this alone. You know I will drop everything for you." She kissed the top of Beca's head. "I love you," she whispered before turning and walking away.


	3. Sometimes I don't know what you want

II

Chloe knew Beca had demonds, but since her girlfriend never really opened up, she had no idea where to start with helping her. Not that Beca wanted the help. So she had returned to her apartment in Los Angeles with her tail tucked firmly between her legs. Beca would call when she was ready to talk. At least, Chloe hoped she would. Until then, she would let it eat at her mind, because no matter how hard she tried to distract herself, it always came back to Beca.

It had been that way since the ICCA Finals, the year Beca officially became the captain once Aubrey graduated and some miracle let Chloe pass her math final, allowing her to walk across the stage. Just like she had seen the brunette do the year before, the tiny woman had found her in the crowd. There had been no awkward hesitation as Beca grabbed both sides of the redheads face and kissed her. Not just a heat of the moment kiss like the one Beca had given Jesse the year before, but a full on melt-into-you-forever kiss. Slow. Searching. Filled with unspoken feelings.

That was almost two years ago now, and Chloe had thought things were going well. Beca still had her dark secrets, and the only bedroom relief had been late night phone calls, hushed voices and stifled moans, but nothing would make Chloe trade the time. Beca was her something special. Her someone that she had for herself. Long distance was made easier by frequent visits Chloe would make to Barden once a month, and the summers the two spent curled up in the bed in the apartment in Los Angeles. They made time for each other, but Chloe still never prodded on the dark moods Beca talked about.

Now, lying on her couch, two weeks after their last meeting, she hadn't heard a single word from the younger woman. She had bitten her nails to her fingertips and spent the past four nights on the phone, crying while Aubrey listened. She had talked to Stacie a few days prior and found that Beca had disappeared off the face of the earth, leaving the pitch pipe in the rehearsal space. That news had only futhered her worry.

Chloe had been moments away from calling Beca's father when a knock on the door distracted her. Her heart dropped, fearing the worst, only for it to rise again when she opened the door to reveal Beca. Without a sound, the brunette set her bags down and wrapped her arms around the redheads neck. "I'm so sorry," she choked out. "I was so overwhelmed and my mind got so dark. I just left the girls and bought a bus ticket. I didn't know where else to run." Wordlessly, Chloe grabbed the duffel and laptop bag and closed the door, locking it before turning around.

Beca had taken a seat on the couch, hunched forward with her head in her hands.

"When I was 14, my parents divorced. It was horrible for me, and they both seemed to occupied with fighting to see that they no longer had time for me. So I would sneak in to clubs, and I would get all this attention from older guys. It was a release, then one night this asshole cornered me in the alley when I was trying to go home. I was 16, and I didn't know how to defend myself." She looked up at Chloe. "Please tell me you get where I am going with this."

Chloe nodded, still rooted to her spot by the door.

"Three weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant. I lost the baby a few days after that. To this day, my mom, dad and stepmother think I was nothing more than a little slut."

Chloe finally got her feet to move and she stumbled to the couch, dropping to her knees and pulling Beca to her.

"I haven't been a prude just to piss you off, you know. That night was the only sexual experiece I have had. No one else but myself has touched me, and how unfair is that to you?"

"Beca, you should know by now that I care more about your emotions than I do your body, okay? I just wanted you to do what you just did and open up to me. I will wait as long as you need, no matter how long that may be. I just want to know you. Your history. That is why I am here. I love you, and I am fully prepared to spend the rest of my life with you."

Beca shook her head. "No. Don't make promises that you cannot keep. Promised always turn in to letdowns. I've been letdown by so many people and it would destroy me if you joined that list, so how about we just don't make any promises to each other, okay?" Her voice was quiet, her eyes locked on her girlfriends.

"I don't look at it as a promise. It is nothing more than a statement on how I feel. Honestly, if I thought you would say yes, I would have asked you to marry me a long time ago. Sure, I don't know the full details of why your parents split up or even just how deeply it afected you, but I do know that it royally fucked you up. But do you see me running away? No. I was right here where I told you I was going to be. Your demons don't have to be just yours. I am here with an open mind, and open heart.. open everything. The only thing I am waiting on is you. I am waiting for you to say that you are ready for me to listen."

"No one has ever been there for me to talk to, even before my parents split up. Then, after everything, my dad married Sheila and she never really wanted kids, so I had no choice but to stay with my mother." She was quiet for a moment. "Coming to Barden was actually a punishment. My mom was sick of my attitude and didn't want believe in me or my music. Dad said I could live with him and Sheila, but it would be under their rules. I opted for a dorm and took a cab my first day," she chuckled. "Do you want to know the only reason I auditioned for the Bellas?"

"I thought it was our steamy shower duet," Chloe replied, smirking when a smile appeared on Beca's face.

"My dad said that if I really showed him that I was making an effort in something other than the radio station, at the end of my freshman year, he was going to help me move to Los Angeles. Of course, that went out the window when I got popped for destruction of property. I still don't think he believes that it wasn't my fault."

Chloe looked confused for a moment. "But I heard him ask when you wanted to move after finals."

"I didn't feel the need to anymore. We had just won, and Aubrey was telling me that I was the new captain.. I couldn't just leave the other girls." She leaned back on the couch. Chloe rested her chin on Beca's knee.

"Stacie said you left the pitch pipe."

Beca nodded. "There was a note, too. I didn't pick a new captain because each girl brings something new and unique to the group that they only need to talk to each other. They don't need me."

"The rest of your classes?"

"I did my finals early. And passed. I am officially a college graduate. So, can I move in here?"

Chloe pretended to think about it for a moment before nodding. "I am officially excited. I've only ever cohabitated with Aubrey. This is a whole new adventure." She suddenly frowned.

"What?"

"This means no more running when your depression hits. You come to me and you talk, understand?"

"You make that sound so easy. Do you know how much it took out of me just to tell you what I have so far? I felt like I had no other choice.. like I was going to lose you if I didn't tell you at least a little bit. You don't get it, do you? You are so open and bubbly, but I am not like that. I cannot feel weak, so I bottle all of this shit inside and then it boils and stews, then I blow up and the whole fucking process starts again." She stood up and walked to the window. "Before I decided on taking the bus, I was very close to killing myself."

"What stopped you?" Chloe asked, not surprised at the tears in her voice.

Beca remained silent. Chloe could see her jaw moving, almost like the brunette was tasting the words before she said them aloud. "The night before I bought my ticket, I had a dream. You were in it, and we were happy. So happy. But then this strange darkness crept in. It was different than before. It came into this happy setting and it ripped you away from me before I could stop it. Even after I could no longer see you, I could hear you screaming. Then the screaming stopped, but the darkness was still there. It felt like it was suffocating me. Then out of nowhere, it just burst apart and I broke and then you were holding these shattered pieces of me and crying, telling me to hold on and that I was so, so strong."

"You are strong, but it is okay to break sometimes. Not only is it okay, it is normal and to be expected. Beca, you are human, and part of being human is admitting that you have a weakness," Chloe said, coming up behind the shorter woman and enveloping her in a hug.

"You know," Beca began, "you make it so hard for me to stay sad."

"Don't make it sound like such a bad thing."

Beca let a dry laugh escape her throat. "It is honestly one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. Someone to challenge me. Kind of cheesy and cliche, but you do make me want to be a better person."

The redhead chuckled. "I really need to stop making you watch all those romance movies. We need a dose of zombies or an explosion."

"Exploding zombies," Beca suggested. "In all honestly, though, I am completely exhausted right now. I think the only thing I want or need is some sleep." She let her body relax into Chloe.

"Then go lay down. I have some phone calls to make."

"To who?"

"I should let Aubrey know you are alive. I've been on the phone with her almost every night for the past two weeks. I am going to call your dad and the Bellas and let them know where you are." She kissed Beca's forehead. "So you go get some sleep. I love you."

"I love you more," Beca whispered, closing her eyes and she placed a soft kiss on Chloe's mouth. 


End file.
